Feature Article - April 2001
by Do-While Jones

The Wizard of Ooze

in which Dorothy goes to see the Wizard to find out how life evolved from primeval ooze.

(If you prefer, you can listen to KRSF's version of our parody.)

The Cyclone

Dorothy lived in the midst of the great Kansas prairies, with Uncle Henry, who was an evolutionist, and Aunt Em, who was the evolutionist’s wife. Suddenly Uncle Henry stood up.

“There’s a cyclone coming, Em,” he called to his wife; “ The creationists are stirring up a whirlwind of trouble. I’ll go look after the public schools.” Then he ran towards the place where the Kansas School Board meets.

“Quick, Dorothy!” Aunt Em screamed; “run for the cellar!” Aunt Em threw open the trap door in the floor and climbed down the ladder into the storm cellar. Dorothy caught Toto and started to follow her Aunt, but it was too late. The house whirled around two or three times and rose slowly through the air. Dorothy became very dizzy, fell on the bed, and fell asleep.

Bumpkin Land

She was awakened with a shock. Dorothy sat up and noticed that the house was not moving. The cyclone had set the house down, very gently--for a cyclone--in the midst of a beautiful country.

Dorothy stepped out of her house, and was greeted by three men and a woman. The woman walked up to Dorothy, made a low bow, and said in a sweet voice,

“You are welcome, most noble Sorceress, to the land of the Bumpkins. We are so grateful to you for having killed the Wicked Witch of the Christian Left, and for setting our people free from bondage to superstition.”

“Are you a Bumpkin?” asked Dorothy.

“No; but I am their friend. I am the Genie from the Center for Science Education.” I have tried for years to kill the Witch of the Christian Left, but was not powerful enough to do it.

“But I was taught in Kansas that there are no such things as genies, gods, witches, or wizards,” Dorothy said.

“I do not know where Kansas is, for I have never heard that country mentioned before. But tell me, is it a civilized country?”

“Oh, yes,” replied Dorothy.

“Then that accounts for it. In the civilized countries I believe there are no witches left; nor wizards, nor sorceresses, nor magicians.” 1

“But now creationists have come to Kansas to try to uncivilize the country by putting God back in the classroom. They have such strong arguments against the theory of evolution that I can’t refute them. If I could only tell the people of Kansas exactly how life originated, all by itself, in a puddle of ooze, then I could protect civilization as we know it.” Dorothy said.

“I am afraid that even I, the great Genie from the Center for Science Education can’t tell you that. I can only tell you how to put pressure on politicians, teachers, and school boards. I can’t give you any good scientific arguments supporting evolution. You must go to see the Wizard of Ooze. He certainly will be able to tell you.”

“Where can I find the Wizard of Ooze?” Dorothy asked.

“Just follow the Double Helix Road. But watch out for the Wicked Witch of the Christian Right, for she is still trying to enslave the Bumpkins with her awful Ten Commandments.”

So Dorothy set out immediately down the Double Helix Road to find the origin of life.

The Scarecrow

When she had gone several miles, she thought she would stop to rest, so she climbed to the top of the fence beside the road and sat down. There was a great cornfield beyond the fence, and not far away she saw a Scarecrow.

“Good day,” said the Scarecrow in a rather husky voice.

“Did you speak?” asked the girl in wonder.

“Certainly,” answered the Scarecrow; “how do you do?”

Dorothy didn’t want to tell the Scarecrow how she did. She was too astonished that the Scarecrow could do anything at all. So, she said, “You are made out of dead straw and cloth. Dead things can’t come to life and talk. Louis Pasteur proved there is no such thing as abiogenesis. You can’t be alive.”

“But I am alive. I was created to be alive,” said the Scarecrow. “Unfortunately, my creator didn’t give me a brain.”

“Don’t be silly. There is no such thing as a creator. Since you are alive, you must have come alive through some process that operated over millions of years. We just need to figure out the details of how it happened.”

“But,” the Scarecrow said, “you just said that dead things can’t come to life. How could it be that I, constructed from non-living material, came to life?”

“You evolved long ago. Conditions were different then. There wasn’t any free oxygen in the air then. There just happened to be the right chemicals and conditions for inanimate matter to come to life back then,” Dorothy countered.

“How do you know conditions were different then? Were you there?” the Scarecrow asked (with a distinctly Australian accent).

“No, but things had to have been different then, or else life could not have evolved. Since we know life evolved, it logically follows that the conditions had to have been favorable for the spontaneous generation of life from non-living material some time in the past,” she said very confidently.

“That’s circular reasoning, which is not a valid form of logic,” the Scarecrow correctly deduced.

“How dare you argue with me? You don’t have any brains!” Dorothy knew this was a personal attack, but since the Scarecrow was obviously too stupid to listen to reason, she felt it was justified. If it convinced the Scarecrow of the truth of evolution, the end would justify the means.

“I am afraid you are right. I wish I had the brains to understand how I was created.” said the Scarecrow.

“You weren’t created! You are an accident of time and chance. I am going to see the Wizard of Ooze to find out exactly how it happened. Why don’t you come with me? Maybe the Wizard can stuff some sense into that empty head of yours.”

“I’d like that. It is such an uncomfortable feeling to know one is a fool.2 I’ll be glad to go with you, Dorothy.”

“How did you know my name is Dorothy?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I don’t have a brain, remember?”

The Tin Woodman

Dorothy and the Scarecrow were following the Double Helix Road when the Scarecrow heard a sound. He immediately recognized the sound as that of a person groaning. From the phase difference of the sound waves reaching his two painted ears, he was able to compute the direction to the source of the sound immediately. Dorothy marveled at how time, chance, and millions of years had given this useful adaptation to the Scarecrow, but she didn’t say anything for fear of what the Scarecrow might say in response. “There is nothing worse than arguing with a brainless person who knows more than you do,” she reasoned to herself.

They went quickly in the direction indicated by the Scarecrow. There they found a big tree, partly chopped down, and standing beside it, with an uplifted axe in his hands, was a man made entirely of tin. His head and arms and legs were jointed upon his body, but he stood perfectly motionless, as if he could not stir at all. He appeared to be trying to speak, but his mouth would not move.

“Let’s oil his joints to see if he can move,” said the Scarecrow, which he did before Dorothy could stop him.

“Thank you,” said the Tin Woodman. “I’ve been holding that axe for an awfully long time. I got caught in a sudden rainstorm, and rusted solid before I had a chance to oil myself.”

“I’ve never seen a man made out of tin before,” said Dorothy. “Where did you come from?”

“Mine is a very sad story,” the Tin Woodman replied. “I was in love with a lovely Bumpkin girl. But her mother was a witch and didn’t want us to marry. She told me that if I didn’t leave her alone, she would do something terrible. But we loved each other too much to stay apart. So, she enchanted my axe, and it cut off my left leg. So, I went to the tinsmith to have him make me a new leg out of tin. Once I got used to it, it worked so well I was able to chop even more wood. The witch was angry, so she enchanted my axe again, and it cut off my right leg. But I hopped to the tinsmith, and he made me another tin leg. Then the witch enchanted my axe again, and it cut off both my arms. The tinsmith made me new arms. Then the axe cut off my head. I thought that was the end of me, but the tinsmith found me and made me a new head. Despite all this, my love for the Bumpkin girl grew. Finally, the witch enchanted my axe so it cut my body in half. When the tinsmith gave me a new tin body, he forgot to give me a heart. Now I no longer care where that Bumpkin girl is, or what she is doing.”

“See,” said Dorothy to the Scarecrow. “That’s how new species come into existence. It is just like Darwin said. Small changes happen by chance, and natural selection keeps the good changes while rejecting the bad ones. That’s how an ordinary man evolved into this more advanced tin man.”

“But Dorothy, the changes didn’t happen by chance. They were the result of spells cast by a supernatural being. And the parts that were given to him were made by a skilled designer, who assembled the parts for a purpose. The loss of each body part made him less fit for survival until the designer stepped in to remedy the deficiency. This tin woodman isn’t evidence of Darwinian evolution at all. He is obviously the product of intelligent design. Not only that, it must be a supernatural design. How else could he survive without a heart?”

Dorothy was in no mood to be lectured again by a brainless Scarecrow. Nor did she want to appear stupid in front of a tin Bumpkin, so she turned back to the Double Helix Road without a word. Surely, the Double Helix Road would lead to information that would refute the Scarecrow’s argument.

“No doubt a man of your strength would be of great benefit on our journey. Please come with us on our journey to see the Wizard of Ooze,” the Scarecrow said to the Tin Woodman. “Perhaps the Wizard could give you a heart, too.”

“I’d love to,” said the Tin Woodman, and they both hurried after Dorothy and Toto.

The Cowardly Lion

While they were traveling along a particularly twisted portion of the Double Helix Road, a lion jumped onto the gene where they were traveling. With one swipe of his paw he knocked the Scarecrow and Tin Woodman over. Charging toward Toto, he opened his mouth, which was clearly large enough to swallow Toto whole. Dorothy, heedless of the danger, rushed forward and slapped the lion on the nose as hard as she could , while she cried out:

“Don’t you dare bite Toto! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, a big beast like you, trying to bite a poor little dog! You are nothing but a big coward!”

“I know it,” said the Lion, hanging his head in shame; “I’ve always known it. But how can I help it? It’s in my genes. It’s just the way I was created.”

“What is it with everybody and all this creation stuff?” Dorothy sneered. “Is everyone as brainless as the Scarecrow?” Don’t you understand? None of you were created on purpose! You are all the result of millions of years of evolution. Your genes weren’t created. They evolved. Superior genes were passed on to the next generation, while inferior genes were weeded out, creating new species.”

“It seems to me,” said the Scarecrow, who had finally picked himself up off the ground, “that a courageous lion would have a definite advantage over a cowardly one. After all, the measure of success in the battle for survival is really in the number of offspring an individual produces. Cowardly males would certainly be at a serious disadvantage when courting, so the courageous gene should be well established in the population by now if lions had been evolving for millions of years.”

“On the other hand,” Dorothy said, “it may be true that ‘discretion is the better part of valor.’ The wisdom to run from a fight against an overwhelmingly superior force may be the most important factor in survival. In fact, that must be true. Otherwise this cowardly lion would never have evolved. Since he did evolve, it must be true that timidity is the driving factor in evolution. The evidence is staring you in the face. At least, it would be, if the lion wasn’t afraid to make eye contact with you.”

“You should have said, ‘if the lion weren’t afraid’. Since the statement isn’t true, you should have used the subjunctive mood, rather than the singular imperfect past tense. At least, that’s what I would have said if I had a brain.”

Dorothy seized the opportunity to change the subject, and begin a lengthy debate with the Scarecrow over English grammar. She realized that she didn’t have any strong arguments in favor of evolution, and was glad for the opportunity to argue about anything else. The Tin Man was sad to see them arguing. The Lion didn’t like it either, but he was afraid to get involved. So, the argument continued.

The Lion inferred from something said during the course of the argument, that the party was on their way to see Ooze to ask him some favors. When the argument finally concluded, he summoned up the courage to ask if he could go along. They agreed, and all set out down the Double Helix road together.

The Guardian of the Gates

Eventually, they all arrived at the gates of the Emerald City. There was a bell beside the gates, and Dorothy pushed the button and heard a silvery tinkle sound within. The gates swung slowly open, and they all passed through and found themselves in a high arched room, the walls of which glistened with countless emeralds. Dorothy wondered how many billions of years it took the walls to form, but decided not to ask in the Scarecrow’s presence.

Before them stood a little man clothed all in green, from his head to his feet, and even his skin was of a greenish tint. When he saw Dorothy and her companions he asked,

“What do you wish in the Emerald City?”

“We came here to see the Great Ooze,” said Dorothy.

The man was so surprised at this answer that he sat down a moment to think it over.

“It has been many years since anyone asked me to see Ooze,” he said shaking his head in perplexity. “He is powerful and terrible, and if you have come on an idle or foolish errand to bother the wise reflections of the Great Wizard, he might be angry and destroy you all in an instant.”

“But this is not a foolish errand, nor an idle one,” replied the Scarecrow; “it has to do with the origin and meaning of life.”

“Very well. I am the Guardian of the Gates, and since you demand to see the Great Ooze I must take you to his palace. But first you must put on the spectacles.”

“Why?” asked Dorothy.

“Because if you did not wear the spectacles the brightness and glory of the Emerald City would blind you. Even those who live in the Emerald City must wear the spectacles night and day.”

They were all fitted with green spectacles which had two golden bands fastened to them. The golden bands passed around the back of the head, where they were locked together by a little key that the Guardian of the Gates wore on a chain around his neck. When they were on, Dorothy could not take them off had she wished, but of course she did not want to be blinded by the glare of the Emerald City, so she said nothing. 3

The Throne Room

When they reached the palace of the Wizard of Ooze, they were greeted by the Chancellor. He told them that the Great Wizard was very busy, and would see only one of them. So Dorothy went in alone.

There was a throne of green marble in the center of the room. It was shaped like a chair and sparkled with emeralds, as did everything else. In the center of the chair was an enormous Head, without body to support it or any arms or legs whatever. The mouth moved, and Dorothy heard a voice say,

“I am Ooze, the Great and Terrible. Who are you, and why do you seek me?”

“I am Dorothy, the Small and Meek. I have come to ask you to tell me exactly how life began.”

“Well,” said the Head, “I will tell you the answer. In this country everyone must pay for what he gets. Help me and I will tell you.”

“What must I do?” asked the girl.

“Kill the Wicked Witch of the Christian Right,” answered Ooze.

“But I cannot!” exclaimed Dorothy, greatly surprised.

“You killed the Witch of the Christian Left. When you prove to me the Witch of the Christian Right is dead, then I will answer your question.”

“I never killed anything willingly,” she sobbed.

“Remember that the Witch is Wicked--tremendously Wicked--and ought to be killed. Now go, and do not ask to see me again until you have done your task.”

Sorrowfully, Dorothy left the Throne Room and went back to where the Lion and the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman were waiting to hear what Ooze had said to her. After some discussion, they all decided to find the Wicked Witch of the Christian Right, and kill her.

The Search for the Wicked Witch

When they had passed through the gates of the Emerald City, the Guardian of the Gates unlocked their green spectacles and put them back in the storage box where he kept them. Dorothy was surprised to discover that the green silk dress she had been given in the Emerald City was now pure white. Clearly, it must have been a magical dress to change color this way.

“How do we find the Wicked Witch of the Christian Right?” Dorothy asked the Guardian.

“You won’t have to. The Wicked Witch will find you. Just start walking toward the Promised Land, and her missionaries will contact you. They will tell you all sorts of fanciful stories about miracles, and make you believe nonsense. Then the Wicked Witch will enslave you, and make you obey her Ten Commandments.”

“That sounds terrible!” Dorothy exclaimed. “What can we do to protect ourselves?”

“There is only one thing that we have found that can protect us from her magical spell. It is Darwin’s Origin of Species. The Genie from the Center for Science Education has also given us these pamphlets that tell us how to fight against the Wicked Witch. Be sure you read them very carefully.” As he said this, the Guardian gave them a tattered old book, which looked like it was over a hundred years old, and some shiny new pamphlets.

Fortified with these powerful weapons, Dorothy, Toto, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Woodman climbed into a chariot. The Lion fastened the harness around his powerful neck, and they headed off towards the Promised Land.

As they traveled, the Scarecrow started reading the material. Dorothy could hear him muttering things like, “That doesn’t make sense. That’s not scientific.” As the Scarecrow cast things aside, Dorothy picked them up and skimmed them. She didn’t understand most of what she read. She was sure that it was true because the Guardian of the Gates was clearly a very intelligent man; and he had said it was true. Certainly it must be true, or else it would not be powerful enough to protect her from the Wicked Witch.

Soon they noticed a man running beside the chariot. He called out to them, “Do you understand what you are reading?”

“How can I,” Dorothy said, “unless someone explains it to me?” So she invited the man, whose name turned out to be Philip, to come up and sit with them in the chariot.

The passage she was reading was,

“There are many indications of an ancient earth. The Green River shales of western Wyoming consist of 6 million varves (alternating layers of marlstone and kerogen). The particles that form these layers are microscopic, and take many days to settle in perfectly still water. Similar varved sediments are forming today, and each cycle is known to represent 1 year. To form this one deposit in the global flood of Genesis would require the formation of about 1 layer per second! The whole 6,000 years of ICR earth history would require a rate of about 3 varves per day. And this deposit is but a thin layer in the total geology of the earth.” 4

Dorothy asked Phillip, “Doesn’t this prove that the Earth is old?” Then Phillip told her how the eruption of Mount St. Helens produced thick layers of finely stratified rock in a single afternoon.5 If one tried to compute the time it took to form these rocks by counting varves, they would have thought the rocks took thousands of years to form. Then he told her about the 1988 research done by creationist Guy Berthault in the laboratory of the Wicked Witch (a.k.a. the Engineering Research Center of the Civil Engineering Department at Colorado State University, Fort Collins) proving that sediments naturally form very thin layers under turbulent water flow.6 Finally, he showed her how a 1997 article by evolutionists in the respected journal Nature confirmed the Wicked Witch’s results, although the article did not cite Berthault’s previously published work.7 Dorothy realized that the assumption that the Green River varves form annually under still water was not necessarily true. In fact, the varves were more likely to be evidence of torrential flood waters than evidence of a placid lake that remained virtually undisturbed for millions of years.

Fascinated by the geology lecture, Dorothy didn’t notice that they had arrived in a beautiful garden in the Promised Land. A river flowed from a great throne. On each side of the river stood the tree of life bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. Near the throne was a cave, where a large stone had been rolled away from the entrance.

Dorothy wasn’t sure how they got there. Philip had mysteriously disappeared. She didn’t know what was happening. All Dorothy knew for sure was that she was about to meet a foe that even the Great and Powerful Ooze was unable to defeat. Could the Tin Woodman and the Lion protect her? She began to cry.

Without Dorothy noticing it, a Lamb had come up behind her. Now the Lamb was gently rubbing his soft wool against Dorothy’s leg. It was so soft and gentle, that Dorothy hadn’t noticed it at first. Now she realized the Lamb was beside her, and she felt somehow comfortable.

“Woman, why are you weeping?” the Lamb asked.

“Because I have to kill the Wicked Witch of the Christian Right, so I can get the Wizard of Ooze to tell me how life began, so I can go back to Kansas to protect the other children from the creationists. But I am afraid I can’t do it. I can’t even refute the creationist arguments of a brainless scarecrow. Then that man Philip showed me some recent research that shows you can’t tell the age of rocks by counting layers. I am so confused now, I don’t know what to do!”

“Woman, why are you weeping? Who is it you are looking for?” the Lamb asked.

Thinking that the Lamb knew his way around the garden, she said, “Tell me where the Wicked Witch is, so I can kill her.”

The Lamb said to her, “Dorothy.” Somehow, at that moment, Dorothy knew the Lamb was the Wicked Witch; but she was no longer afraid.

The Laboratory

The Lamb took Dorothy and her friends to a large, well-equipped laboratory. On the north wall were seemingly endless racks of chemicals. The east wall was filled with shelves of specimens. All the specimens were perfectly preserved, but none smelled of formaldehyde. On closer examination, she realized that there was no preserving fluid at all, because the biological specimens were still alive (although the geological specimens were most certainly dead). The south wall was lined with storage closets, filled with the latest scientific equipment. But the Scarecrow headed straight for the west wall, where all the scientific books ever published were neatly cataloged. The Scarecrow picked the leftmost book on the top shelf, intending to read every one in order, until he got to the rightmost book on the bottom shelf.

“Read, study, and experiment as much as you like. Everything you need is here. If there is anything else you need, ask, and it will be given unto you. Seek, and ye shall find.” the Lamb said, as he left them alone in the laboratory.

Dorothy and the Scarecrow immediately began to set up experiments. The Tin Woodman didn’t have the heart for such things, so he went back to the garden, where he kept busy pruning the plants, and bringing fruits and grains back to the laboratory for Dorothy. Toto just played in the garden, chasing butterflies. The Lion went to lie down with the Lamb.

The more Dorothy studied, the more she became convinced that the theory of evolution was not a correct explanation of the origin and diversity of life. The double helix DNA molecule was far too complex to have happened by chance. Furthermore, the information contained in it had to have come from an intelligent designer. She decided to go back to the Emerald City and confront the Wizard of Ooze with what she had discovered.

The Discovery of Ooze the Terrible

Dorothy and her friends returned to the Emerald City. The Guardian of the Gates was most surprised to see them, for he thought that they would have been killed or enslaved by the Wicked Witch of the Christian Right. Surely they must have killed the Wicked Witch, or they would not have been able to escape.

“Take us to see the Great and Powerful Wizard of Ooze!” Dorothy demanded of the Guardian.

Trembling with fear, the Guardian started to put the green spectacles on the visitors.

“We won’t be needing those,” Dorothy said.

Afraid to question someone who had killed two witches, the Guardian tossed the spectacles back in the box, and opened the gate.

Once inside, Dorothy noted that her white silk dress was still white. It had never been green. The spectacles had only made it appear green. She felt betrayed, but not surprised.

The Guardian had the news carried straight to Ooze that Dorothy and the other travelers had come back again, but Ooze made no reply. They had thought that the Great Wizard would see them at once, but he did not. They had no word from him the next day, nor the next, nor the next.

Finally, Dorothy would wait no longer. With the Tin Woodman leading the way, brandishing his recently sharpened ax, they broke into the Throne Room of the Great Ooze. There was no one there.

Presently they heard a Voice, seeming to come from somewhere near the top of the great dome, and it said solemnly,

“I am Ooze, the Great and Terrible, the Ancestor of All Life. Why have you come to seek me?”

They looked again in every part of the room, and then, seeing no one, Dorothy asked,

“Where are you?”

“I am everywhere,” answered the Voice, “because my descendants are in all living things.”

“You promised to tell us how life began,” Dorothy said, “and we want to know now!”

“Well, come to me tomorrow, for I must have time to think it over.”

“You’ve had plenty of time already,” said the Tin Woodman angrily.

“We shan’t wait a day longer,” said the Scarecrow.

“You must keep your promise to us!” exclaimed Dorothy.

The Lion thought it might be as well to frighten the Wizard, so he gave a large, loud roar, which was so fierce and dreadful that Toto jumped away from him in alarm and tipped over a screen that stood in a corner. As it fell with a crash they looked that way, and the next moment all of them were filled with wonder. For they saw, standing in just the spot the screen had hidden, a little, old man, with a bald head and a wrinkled face, who seemed to be just as much surprised as they were. The Tin Woodman, raising his axe, rushed toward the little man and cried out,

“Who are you?”

“I am Ooze, the Great and Terrible,” said the little man, in a trembling voice.

“You are a humbug!” said the Scarecrow. 8

“You are a very bad man!” said Dorothy.

“I am not a bad man,” the Wizard said. “I am just a bad scientist. Please don’t judge me too harshly. I just did what anyone else would have done in my place.”

So they sat down and listened while he told the following tale:

“I was born in Omaha--”

“Why, that isn’t very far from Kansas!” cried Dorothy.

“No; but it’s farther from here,” he said, shaking his head rather sadly. “When I was growing up, I went to public school. In all my science classes, my teachers told me evolution was a fact. They were the teachers. I was the student. I believed them and didn’t question them. When I grew older, I went to college. The more I studied science, the more I found wrong with the theory of evolution, but I still thought the theory was basically true. When I graduated, I got a teaching position at a major university. All the other professors believed in evolution (or at least, they said they did), and made fun of anyone who didn’t believe it. If I had said I didn’t believe, all the other professors would have made fun of me. I might not have been granted tenure! So, I said I believed it, too.”

“But you knew better!” Dorothy said in a somewhat accusatory tone.

“Yes, but there wasn’t much I could do,” the Wizard continued. “I had data showing the theory of evolution was wrong, but there is an unwritten rule that one may not publish data refuting one theory without proposing another one to take its place. So, I published papers that showed some particular evolutionary ideas were wrong and made up a different evolutionary explanation that fit my data better. I was such a good storyteller, that I was called the ‘Wizard of Ooze.’

“When you wear green spectacles, everything looks green to you. The Emerald City was built many years ago, for I was a young man when the balloon brought me here, and I am a very old man now. But my people have worn green glasses on their eyes so long that most of them think it really is an Emerald City, abounding in jewels and precious metals, and every good thing that is needed to make one happy. 9

“When you look at the world through the theory of evolution, everything looks like it evolved. Teachers started telling the story of evolution in the nineteenth century. People have been told the story so long that most of them think that life really evolved; that man is the ultimate judge of right and wrong; and that right and wrong can evolve with the situation. It is a very comfortable belief that can make one happy.”

“You are a fake! You can’t give me brains, can you?” said the Scarecrow

“You don’t need them. You are learning something every day. A baby has brains, but it doesn’t know much. Experience is the only thing that brings knowledge, and the longer you are on earth the more experience you are sure to get,” the Wizard said. 10

“Besides, the problem isn’t that you don’t have any brains,” the Wizard continued. “The real problem is that other people don’t have any brains. They aren’t smart enough to know if what you say is correct or not. They need some way to know if you are smart or not. That’s why you need to get a doctorate from a respected university. It won’t make you any smarter, but it will convince people who can’t think for themselves that you are smart.

“You must also publish only in refereed journals. The readers of those journals won’t question what you say, because the referees have already proclaimed it to be true. That means they can accept it without thinking. It takes such a burden off their minds.”

“You can’t give me a heart, either,” said the Tin Woodman, sadly.

“I can give you a heart. As a matter of fact, I’ve done several heart transplants at the Emerald City General Hospital,” the Wizard said. “What I can’t give you is life. Life is more than arms and legs, heart and lungs. It is something more than material; but I don’t know what it is, and I can’t give it to you.”

“And what about courage?” the Lion asked.

“If you want courage, talk to a creationist. It isn’t easy to stand up against the theory of evolution. Creationists have the latest scientific evidence on their side, but it takes more than science to fight against traditional beliefs. It takes courage. There are many powerful people who, for one reason or another, cling to the theory of evolution. They will do everything they can to silence creationists. Creationists present their research at far greater personal risk than any evolutionists ever do. Creationists know all about courage.”

“But how will I get back to Kansas?” Dorothy asked.

“Why not call the Winged Monkeys, and ask them to carry you over the desert?”

“I never thought of that!” said Dorothy joyfully. … She spoke the magic words, and soon the band of Winged Monkeys flew in through an open window and stood beside her.

“You have called us,” said the Monkey King, bowing before the little girl said, “What do you wish?”

“I want you to carry Toto and me back to Kansas,” said Dorothy.

But the Monkey King shook his head.

“That cannot be done,” he said. “We belong to this country alone, and cannot leave it. There has never been a Winged Monkey in Kansas yet, and I suppose there never will be.11

Sadly, Dorothy realized that was true. There will never be a Winged Monkey in Kansas, because monkeys will never evolve wings. No creature will ever evolve wings. No creature ever has. The fossil record shows that birds and bats had wings right from the beginning. Despite all the speculation that dinosaurs evolved wings, there isn’t any evidence that it happened. Even National Geographic finally admitted that their transitional fossil was a fake. Returning to her room, Dorothy cried herself to sleep.

When the alarm clock went off, she found herself in her own bed, in Kansas. Looking at the clock she realized it was time to get ready to go to school. Quickly she dressed, ate breakfast, kissed Uncle Henry and Aunt Em, and headed down the dirt road toward her little Kansas public school.

As she walked, she felt somehow different. Dorothy realized that she had a new heart, the brains of a scarecrow, and the courage of a lion.

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1 L. Frank Baum, The Wizard of Oz, chapter 2.
2 ibid. chapter 4.
3 ibid. chapter 10.
4 http://www.ncseweb.org/resources/articles/6733_creation_or_evolution_12_7_2000.asp (Ev+)
5 http://www.answersingenesis.org/home/area/creation_clubs/docs/103mtsthelens.asp (Cr+)
6 http://www.answersingenesis.org/docs/456.asp (Cr+)
7 Makse, H. A., Havlin, S., King, P. R. and Stanley, H. E., Nature, 386:379-382, 1997. “Spontaneous stratification in granular mixtures”, https://www.nature.com/articles/386379a0 (Ev)
8 L. Frank Baum, The Wizard of Oz, chapter 15
9 ibid. chapter 15
10 ibid. chapter 15
11 ibid. chapter 16